While consistency has not always been my strong suit, it is the stable energy that has been sucked like a vacuum into my everyday existence. The wiggles and shifting of my little Eloise, the ways my life has taken a certain form each day, every morning, near like clock work. Even if catapulted into these experiences with daily struggles of discomfort, the message from the Universe shines clear, at least to me: it’s about contrast. It’s about resistance and how much I hold resistance in my body to change, consistently made. Yes, I grow, I change, I mutate and morph all the time. Spurred by some deep seeded impulse about the timing at the core of all that is, my life may seem erratic and sporadic, alternatively boring and dull- thus is the cycles of my life and the process of stripping away my plethora of defenses and conditioning that holds me stuck, held back.
Yet that is the beauty and power of the form my resistance has taken through my experience of hyperemesis gramercy or how ever it is accurately spelled. *sigh* I am forced to surrender completely into my experience of the moment, I cannot think or be present with anything else other than the sensations in my body and the small ways I have figured out how to ease those sensations, often with Kyle’s assistance, everyday. We have a groove, we experience it every morning now, and it has cleared aside all of my remaining fears about having a child with my Beloved. There is only excitement about her arrival, something both Kyle and I look forward to with an aire of settled relief. We can handle being parents. I can handle nursing and being with her. So can Kyle. This has become vividly clear. Also, it has become evident to me that Kyle has a lot more experience with baby care than almost anyone probably would have guessed. He is the quintessential nurturer, my proof that men are as natural to rearing and nurturing, caring and loving as any being ever was. He is made to love, my Beloved. He is crafted from loyalty and discernment, his ease of acceptance something that has always made my heart yearn to see him, know Kyle with his own child. And I will. I get to! I’m so excited. It’s decades of dreamed desires made reality.
This is what I realize, every time I think back, I notice how everything is conjured from my desires held with deep acknowledgement and my understanding yielded from visceral clarity of what I wanted to see, experience, observe… And how I would feel. Most importantly, how I would feel. Feeling is the core of everything, every experience. I swear sometimes that is what this sickness has been manifest of, the worry and stress, anxiety, fear manifesting to be processed so that once the time happens for me to need to be fully present and ready for Eloise, I am, we are, we feel so ready. Yes. There are some items we need to get and our apartment needs to be set up as it will be, we need our car seat, stroller and this bassinet so midnight exhausted feedings are easier and smoother… The clearing away of what is no longer needed… I feel strong impulses to get rid of anything that feels excessive and not in line with who and what I am becoming… My cell phone contact list screams of my need to purge those I have not had any contact with in years, and who if I am honest with myself I feel a knowing, our time has ended, my time is now to acknowledge that and release, move on. Clear the space for what is coming, what is swelling within me, blossoming over into my life and every tingle of my presence in this vessel, this life, my form.
It is an expression of who I am, what energy I am the purpose of to be, this progression of struggle, perseverance and honor. It rests at the core of Kyle and my attraction to each other, what always kept us coming back, like moths to each other’s aura of pheromones, like the flames of our hearts cast against each other’s cheek in the darkness of our teens.
I felt it, in seemingly random moments, the fitting together of how life is better than anything we could have imagined on our own. Our thoughts, our perspectives reveal our limits and the ways life must force us to surrender wider open to expand the every day experience of the mundane as perfect, the magic of habits, ritualized presence, my cats, my Beloved Kyle, my Eloise swelling my belly- I am a dreamer grounded in the manifestation of my dreams made flesh, the flow may seem to jostle me from impact as I move to adjust, wait to respond and correct my internal conversation and thus my focused course through emotions and vibrations… Go with the flow, surrender completely into the experience at hand that pulls me past the edges of my comfort zone, to the place where my reality blooms past what I have known, into what time as an illusion has already beheld as the manifestation of me, my material energy, me, Artemis Walden. This life, this form, this energy that is eternally unique, that will never be again, as it always will be. 😉😁