I have been distant, lost in the maze of nausea every day. I feel paralyzed by the sweeping sensation that makes me feel lost in my own skin. The studying I have done for years tells me to surrender into the feelings, to the point that Kyle has even started to reflect this understanding back to me. In the wash of wanting to puke, I feel resentful of his suggestions as much as there is a part deep within me that smiles. I feel deep understanding of the frustration by urging got from others- EMBRACE this feeling? Tell it I appreciate it? UGH you have to be kidding me. But it’s true, resisting what is happening is the hardest part of any feeling. How can I appreciate this intensity that leaves me gasping and sobbing so often? How to I embrace and fully dive into the feelings and sensations of being lost at sea inside my own skin?
At least the hazy cloud of feeling helpless to the sensations has shifted from surrounding me.
We are to learn hypnobirthing technique for Eloise’s birth. This means, now, I must start figuring how to integrate relaxation more into my every day life- how to relax and surrender while being fully present… this skill will be the triumph of my exisitence, I feel it already.
Side note on the image connected with this post, it’s from a friend who posted it to FB, it looks like the artist’s name is Trimmel, fyi! Credit where credit is due!
I feel like my life has been a series of start and stops. My life right now, the focus of bringing together what has been worked on and making it into a completed project. Sifting through what I have plugged my energy into and finding a way to finish it up or move on and let go.
From my scattered life, I will build the most beautiful mosaic of accomplishment.
I realize how much I have fallen back into a pattern of judgement- this always begins with being so unkind to myself, then it overflows, mainly onto Kyle these days… and then back at myself for being so judgemental and haphazard in my focus. I’m sure people would insist that it’s partially baby brain… but whenever I say that to myself, it feels like an excuse… and then I tumble deeper into my feelings of judgement for where I am at.
To tell a woman who is pregnant to not stress, that stressing is the worst thing she could to to her baby… well… that continues to feel like the most twisted joke perpetuated in our modern society… because then when I notice I’m stressing, which seems near constant these days, I stress that I’m stressing and that stresses me out more… *sigh*
That’s right, breathe, I tell myself. That’s right, relax… but this but… relax. Smile, look at the light in the trees, enjoy the sunset…
I am so grateful for the love and support I recieve from Kyle, every moment of every day- even and especially when it isn’t easy for him to give it… especially when I am so resistant to feeling supported and I want to hide from all love, because I am judging myself… Just knowing he is there, really, truly… that means so much. To be able to trust that even one person, will always be there unconditionally… that is something I still pinch myself that I have in my life. That simple fact makes me feel pricelessly lucky.
I certainly do not know how things will come together, but I trust that things will. I’m too smart, too capable, to driven, to full of creative drive to float around uselessly lost in my own contrivings… Oh little Eloise, the least you do is ground me into reality, this blessed space of making things happen, every day.