When I get engrossed in a good book or a good film/show, the thoughts plug in as if into a different reality. These timelines and people become my world for a brief period as if I am entranced in the very bodily experiences of those in front of me presented before my mind. The development of the character entangles directly with the development of my character… I feel and notice the mirrors into my own life and with increasing vivid-ity when I am getting engrossed in the progression of the a book series… my identity falls away as I step from person to person, experiencing life from a kaleidoscope of perspectives and waves of emotions and thoughts associated with the “shoes” of the beings’ lives I am perceiving the stories of.
Perhaps this is why I end up falling in love all the time where ever I look. There is so much to enjoy in the surrounding, yet the ability to flit back and forth my attentions as I will and feel drawn is what amplifies the experience of the exquisite ephemeral that pervades in everything and all. The majority of an atom is space. The behavior of the quarks and other tinier and tinier parts of matter is largely dependent upon the beliefs of the observer… so what more are we than the space held together by our held beliefs about the world? What do I strive to hold as my beliefs about my self, my loved ones, my friends, the people around me, the people I don’t know, the people about to stand next to me at random at the bus stop… these thoughts, these held beliefs that help cultivate a pattern in my thoughts, these patterns will be subconsciously picked up by my child, whether I am aware of these patterns or not… Ever do I banter within myself as to if who I process myself to be is the best incarnation of my energy I can be. There is still so much struggle in my life… yet, in getting my Gene Keys Hologenetic profile done, I do have to acknowledge that my Attraction sphere is of the shadow Key of Struggle. So… there ya go, my latch in to understand the seeking manner in which my life seems tied to that theme. The Gift is Perseverance and the Siddhi is Honor. This too I feel as the pull that the theme of Struggle has drawn out in me. This is the strength at the core of my dance through life, my pull into this movement with the authenticity of the human experience.
In the present moment, I feel detached, yet enlivened, securely next to what I am feeling, like sitting by a dear friend, touching knees as we hold each other lightly and whisper encouragements to each other. No more does pain really feel as pain, yes it hurts, no I do not exactly find it pleasant, but every time I am washed in the seas of my emotion as the coming of the shift of the breeze on the open water lightly rustles the sails… the experience is more stirring into what can be and a deeper understanding of where I am.
Recently I have been engaged in a journey of honoring the part of me that is introverted while continuing to cultivate a personal relationship with the public at large. For the longest time Facebook felt like the easiest way to do this and I welcomed the space to flourish and grow in my connections, feel the expansion of the presence of more and more souls being in connection to my output. There is a definable intoxication to feeling as though people notice when I reach out and seek to embrace the proof of my wanted-ness through this alley of emergence. As I have been feeling the heartbeat within me grow stronger and more physically definite, I have felt a zeroing in on my priorities and my standards have risen to astronomical heights. And while this amplifies my isolation, it also deepens my adherence to connecting with my deeper story and the purpose that flows effortlessly through my veins.
There are few people who can say they no matter what, always felt a strong connection to the world around them. Even when connection to my family went through its waxes and wanes, the extended family to me and the world at large were the presence that always somehow seemed to produce the miracles that was needed to be encountered. Once I softened my vision and focused my heart, my eyes on the feeling as the prize above all, my world blossomed and has continued to blossom out more in expansion. My stepping back allows the space and time to shift and grow as is being drawn into the next moments being better and better than the last and that before is released into a better feeling of detached knowledge. We long for this type of peace- for the lengthening of the space between our thoughts. And as we yearn for this deepening of the pause, all pretense begins to fall away as the dance of living pulls from us the mirrors to our beliefs and thoughts, offered on the life before us. Do we surrender power to what we see or do we drawn in and adjust our vocabulary, noticing the warnings as the signs brew to a bubble before of us what we were once unaware we even held between us and the world as a filter…
What filters will I bequeath to my child? Is there a way to parent and nurture without smothering and sheltering? These tendencies I knowingly observe to unintentionally pass on a culture of dis-empowerment and fear… My mind throws back that an overconfident child will get hurt… but yet, a few broken bones and twisted ankles from living fully alive may be more seen as a triumph of a childhood fully trudged and experiences wildly accrued than anything else. I myself always marvel that in all my tumbles and descents from trees at all heights, I never broke a bone… A miracle in its self with my dare-devilish inclinations of childhood. It is one of the things I love the most about my relationship with Kyle- the way we balance and yet pull each other to be and do more, to dare and risk while cultivating trust and the thrusting surety that comes from experience and knowing how to push life a little bit further into the yet unknown. My comfort zone extends and pushes my boundaries with him. And its not a bad thing, to have my existing structures pushed and prodded into deeper sturdiness and breathing flexibility back into my overtly rigid edges and angles. This is a true talent and one I have found mirrored in Kyle back from I. OR maybe that is part of the attraction and affinity we have always felt- this synergy of understanding from a place of being the same.
Yet, there is so much differentiation once you get to the crux of the places where we come together. One of my favorite ways of describing it was gifted to me by the brilliant Ani DiFranco:
“I know there is strength in the differences between us, and I know there is comfort where we overlap.”
This is the ruler to which I have long strived to hold all of my relationships to. It allows for great variety and yet, allows for the foundation to be a basis of cultivating depth and rooted strength to embrace what comes. Stability is something I always longed for- like a perfectly organized arts room and glass windows that open to a one way view of a wild area, a forest with a stream and fireflies. I miss fireflies on this side of the Rockies. The glimmering blink in and out punctuated every summer experience of my younger life with wonder and seemingly mundane delight.
