The balancing act between Being and Becoming is integral to the flow of time in the experience of the unfolding of living a fulfilling, fully embraced life of wreckless divine infusion.
To create anything, there is the time of action and flow, creating just happens. As there are the times of stillness, waiting for the storm of enthusiasm to toss the waves of my expressive oceans. I do not know if at this point in my life I prefer either state over the other, as I know the continuation of my story will inevitably continue the dance of pulse and lull. It is the ever continuous pattern, the expression of the fractal hologram experience we are all embed with swimming through here on Earth.
What do you place faith in? Do you place faith in the doubts and fears? Or do you place your faith in the deepest held delights easily, naturally manifesting with details more intricate and delighting than I could ever have come up with yourself?
I feel that by my wording you could easily guess what my elected perspective on the flow of faith is. This mindset is what has best served me in my journey this lifetime more than anything- well, other than the understanding that the more I learn, the more I explore the more questions will pop up and more- I understand that the more I know the more I realize I have no idea how much there is to know, and I am just scratching at the surface of the knowledge possible to be grasped and explored.
Like sitting and staring at the small flowers clustered beside the path I am walking on brings me deep peace, when I allow myself to feel chastised within for ‘stopping to smell the roses’ with as much frequency and abandon as I do, I lose touch with the deep flow that fills my existence with endless creative drive and the sense that no matter how much I write, capture the beauty around me, speak in conversation, laugh, snuggle, breathe, go on walks around, explore the places I have not been, read books- so many books, live so many experiences, meet and interact with so many people and animals in so many different and wonderful and delightful and painful and real ways… I do not know where the time has went, yet it still feels like yesterday I was only just beginning to figure out how much it hurt every time I fell, or someone didn’t smile back, or I felt excluded, ignored, lonely and disconnected. Yet, all of my life feels like a flash of understanding of genuine experience and even in the sadness, mad moments and anger, the textures within always sang of the belief in the space between the words, that time when nothing seems to happen, while everything is happening at once. Those moments when my breath catch in my throat and yet, I breathe in deeper than I remember breathing the moment before when I noticed how I was breathing…
The habits that begin and follow me through the spontaneous impulses that govern the quest I undertook so many years ago, perhaps when I was 10 or 11 and first happened upon the self help section- as the idea that I had something defective about me and I needed to work hard to become whatever it was I am supposed to be capable of being if only I did not have this ‘thing’ happen that mutated me in ways we aren’t aware of until we run a bunch of tests and discuss all these ways of labeling the differences about my person until… well, you know that feeling when you feel like the whole world’s opinion of you is swirling your heart into the bottom of the toilet and nothing can seem to be right and then you just feel like you are drowning in the opinions that may or may not even really be true or just something that someone said because they were having a really, really bad day and those days just seem to spew everywhere on everyone in the path of that person, and there is not much that can really be done, other than learn to not take anything personally, develop a filter of understanding that filters are a constant and nothing is really about you, well, some stuff is about you, but really, the getting upset isnt about you.. it’s about the story that swirls into painful rumination of the tragic dance faux pas that the internal critic narrates as My Life. Sometimes I feel like the heroine of the fantasy/sci fi novels I read in my late preteens and early teens like the tastes of adventure my yearning heart still craves above all other- I totally need to go look at the latest releases from authors like Anne Bishop and Jacqueline Carey. Yes, they have deep moments of young adult erotica and not so young adult-y sometimes, but hey, where else is a young emerging woman supposed to weigh the dances that the sexes get involved in so safely from rather than the frames of a book and the screens of member written websites?
Whatever it is that I am doing, or creating the stillness in the pauses in-between my breathing blossom forth in my contemplation of experience, no matter where I am the sky dazzles me, the trees at twilight create a hovering majesty that never ceases to inspire and create more marvelous moments to gape open mouthed at the exquisite world that we are blessed to inhabit. Like hearing my cat snore always makes me smile with happiness and contentment, the sounds of children laughing has always brought deep feelings of satisfaction and peace into the clammer of everyday drudgery. Maybe I need to take more long baths with the candles lit, surrounding myself in hovering, softening light that fills the senses with sensations of relaxation and infuses me with surrender into the desires to let go, let it come and let it be.
The void in the moment between my thoughts hovers like the moment before feeling too intoxicated, that point of perfect release against all resistance- that space where there is only surrender. The breath just before that feeling of hovering off into the lapping silence between my thoughts. I hear internal whispers of my need to eat a salad today, and the awareness from my butt cheeks that I have been sitting here on my tush all day and my mind tells me that sitting is bad for me- we all know that now, I need to get a walk in- but I want to go to the store to get some salad… Veggies grabbed fresh the day that I need them, the times when I do not get distracted into buying other items, this concept and execution works the best, well, other than the use of gas, but that is what the car and gas is for- no? This is the conversation held within myself tonight, and it is not much different than the dialogue within me pretty much every night these days. My focus is so lasered in on what I am cultivating through my body. My cravings for pizza took over last night. I bought 6 frozen pizzas- shared one with K last night and ate one to myself this day. hahahaha ohhhh and K made me promise not to eat one whole to myself… awwwe well, that went out the window! Live by my word as law- sometimes this is not… hahahaha oy me.
I do think I will draw a bath now and then get myself together for a walk before the sunsets tonight. Perhaps I will post a few pictures of the sunset over the river… that sounds a lovely plan. ‘Til tonight!