I am in process of becoming a whole new person, I feel it in my edges as I feel the rush of the unknown breeze past me at a brisk skip. My skin tingles as the fibers of my hair stand on end, waiting for that moment when all newness is palpable, made visible in manifestation.
I have begun using freelancer websites, I feel the keen bite of inexperience playing with my confidence. I feel the sting of missteps because of not knowing exactly what to do. I hire for experience- maybe that is why I berate myself my learning curve so harshly.
The high standards of life time achievement have rung in my ears since I was a wee thing. My name heralded a call to greatness, my belief in this absolute. Through all miscreant approaches and ill-fitting dreams, my heart’s desires bubble to the surface for consideration and implantation into the secularized reality.
I struggle with my own internal resistance, as much as I feel capable of executing my plan. Is it because I am uncertain as of yet? Well, at least the trash and the dishes must be done! Do I weed out the stuff I do not want to keep anymore? Yes? Now. Oy. My heart races. My mind catapults in 15,000 directions of “what ifs” at once. I send in my bank statements and pray for my miracle. For life is made of miracles building on miracles.
My cats stare at me expectantly. I need to feed them their special wet food. I need to go on my walk-hike. I need to enact greater acts of small consistency everywhere in my life, my mind chimes in. The ego mind that pulls me along- without it I would be off chasing butterflies- wrapped in my right brained abstract thinking. Or would I? Do the stories we repeat over and over to ourselves about ourselves change the Self? Yes, that seems obvious- doesn’t it? Ah, but the chicken or the egg you point out! No, in this case, since I adhere to the belief system that Consciousness is not of the brain but manifests the brain, my words hold even more sway and power over my reality than I wanted to offer it before. My feelings hold direction in the pangs in my chest as the tinges of my gut.
I sat watching and listening to great minds contemplate Consciousness. Why is it that these big revelations seem like the stuff I’ve always had stored in the back of my mind?
Is this why I have often felt like an old woman in my young body? To the point that I repeated that I was old so many times- I started manifesting the pains of old age in my joints and the spare tire of exhaustion around my waist?
These fables and stories we tell about ourselves, for ourselves- to ourselves through our demonstrations of them to the world around us and at large- the creation we cultivate with our minds is even more powerful than the one we create with our fingertips. OR did you not yet realize that? Everything must be felt out in the mind first, or the creation with the fingertips feels hallowed of some sacred aspect- feels incomplete, lopsided, misshaped.
Or is this a story we tell ourselves again, about the illusion of imperfection, in all that is innately perfect. My desires pull my need to the forefront- but what is my need? Is it my essence, that which pulls me alive with passion? Or that which leaves me softened, open. Can I really decide which of these innately contrasting state makes me feel most alive?WHY should I be forced to remain in one state? Is not life the dance of the up and down- the back and the forth? The rise and the rest?
Death is as much an expression of life as ‘pure life’ can be. Death is the illusion- for the wholeness of it all is what is the reality- the Truth of it all. The Truth of it all needs no illusion of time to experience what is- it simply experiences all of it at once. The surge, the rush! This edge we walk with awareness of, we have the ability to tap into- as we tap into our broadest Consciousness. That which is all,that which is us, that which is I- is all.
I am Divine. As are you. As is One so is All- as is All so is One,. are all Consciousness, being Conscious of itself and experiencing all there is to experience. We are the leading edge. What do you choose to create with your Divine Creative Force?