That moment when I realized both my Dad and my Mom chose my Dad’s gf over me.
I’m done. F*ck a family that has never allowed me feel at home or safe or seen or loved. F*ck family who has used my openness and empathy to mistreat, torture and write me off my whole life. I’m done. NO MORE.
My family is K.
I’m done with the rest of this abusive crap.
I will never take another cent from any of you, mark my word, because that is what you throw at me to justify these nearly 28 years of apathetic cruelty.
I have always promised myself one thing,
that I would at least make different mistakes than you.
That is exactly why I love so fervently and listen so intently.
That is why I give second chances when it feels right,
because often how someone learns
and grows from their mistakes is more important than
if they had the wisdom pre-exsisting within to side step said “mistake”.
The thing that I have learned about mistakes is that they are what will make or break you in life. Not really that making mistakes will break you- it’s your internal reaction, the chatter that you allow to occur in response internally to your mistakes that IS what determines if your said “mistake” will make you or break you.
On that note, there is one thing you two got right
on wisdom alone-
I will be giving myself away at my wedding.
It will be deeply symbolic and beautiful.
I always found the fact that my parents eloped so telling.
I will be in front of all the people in K and I’s life who FEEL like family.
Who over and over again in the moment by moment- through how they speak to me and listen to me- we show each other actions that culture feelings of family, empathy, connection, understanding and being mutually seen.
There is no feeling of being obligated to do anything to be able to feel loved- just show up, love yourself- share yourself as feels like love to yourself, for there is no more sure compass than your internal one.
I will be part of a family where what is given is given- simply to give it, no strings attached- or we agree we will not violate ourselves by giving it.
And in the event, as learning is inevitable, that I do- I will do my best to own my part of the missteps that we both engaged in as we move into deeper understanding and acceptance of each other as we see more clearly who the other really is.
To me, being family means taking time to notice the people that I feel love for,
so that I may notice how they may best feel the love I have for them. This conversation may happen in words or in body language- and anywhere around and between. This is part of the social contract of intimacy- the balance of give and receive free flowing from all angles involved or the vibrations get all muddled and heavy- people feel unappreciated and unseen and forgotten while sitting right in front of you.
How is it loving to dismiss those who approach with empathy and openness to intimacy with apathy and isolation? IS this why I felt like I had to trick myself into being attracted to a man who actually saw me, loved me and wants to appreciate me openly and freely?
Yes, you may have bought me everything I ever needed and most everything I ever wanted and a bunch of crap I definitely did not want nor did I ask for it- but throwing money at me does not make me feel loved. It makes me feel like you don’t know how to feel love. Not really, because that’s the issue- you don’t quite love yourself.
And that’s what I as a child noticed and so confused me about you two- you are so vibrant, deep, loving and brilliant. There is so much capacity for kindness and connection in both of you. I have always felt that yearning. I felt it even when you wrapped it up even from your own vision. I felt your suffering as my own- as I agonized that every bit of my suffering was too much for you to handle, ever- over and over. I grew to dislike myself, than hate myself for how I overwhelmed you both with how I simply was- who I simply am.
I’ve always Known who I am. I only lost sight of that because I abandoned myself as you taught me to when I became too much for myself to handle because I wanted to be more like you- because then maybe I could FEEL you love me with your actions like you say you do. But it never came- and I just got lost deeper as I wandered in the shattered chalice palace of my ego-mind. I took the every pill of medication religiously, as you argued with me everyday that I did not. I don’t know what drilled into me that I should doubt myself and my sanity more- the pills themselves or the fact that I didn’t act like your textbooks and PhD biased your brain to insist I should act like when you pump me full of these drugs. Yet, you blame me, to this day I see it in your eyes, instead of admitting that maybe just maybe- you would have done more for me to give me more consistent messages that I am enough just as I am do accomplish all my dreams, no matter the challenges- if I always trust my gut and follow my bliss- trusting through my heart.
These are the core mistakes that I will make different than you.
And as I say today, I am done with your way of being a family- all monetary ties and no empathy or time seen as what really has value and worth… well, I’d rather feel good every day of my life from now on and feel right about trusting myself than to keep apologizing for being different than you. Because my mistakes and the way that I think about my choices has made me, because I’ve already tried to break me- because trying to feel the actions and words you speak to me as loving had broken me. And I needed to break myself even deeper down to reach my core, beneath the core than you so unconsciously constructed as my emotional foundation.
My mistakes have broken me open to the understanding that everything is an opportunity- another chance to better myself and rise to the challenge. Not because I really have to prove anything, but because it is what I am here to do. I am here to experience. I am here to step into the light and recognize the shadows as the vehicles of the light that they really are. I am here to step out of illusion and into the reality of my power- of the unique and phenomenal power that exists in every single one of us, should we choose to open to the experiences that will allow us to receive these feelings even more and more intensely and with more and more refined clarity.
So thank you, Mom and Dad, thank you with all the appreciation and gratitude within me for bringing me into this world and doing what you did to this point. [insert link to blog link for appreciating parents]
and…
I’m done with needing parents. I’ve figured out how to find the nurturing I need from the world around me, as the Universe and this world is an endlessly loving and forgiving place. So all this resentment I hold towards you for your lack of actions that felt like validation and love is just weighing me down. It is distracting to interact with you, it brings down my energy for weeks- the confusion and disconnection rakes at my heart and my psyche. No matter how many therapist I got to or programs- the response was always the same. And they always inevitably told me that I just needed to find the connection I needed from other people than my immediate family.
I strongly feel like this severance for the sake of release is cultured by the Mercury Retrograde. One day I may be able to welcome you back into my life as friends, and I pray for that reconciliation, but for the sake of my sanity and those who invest time and energy into treating me like I am family- that will be decided by if you can see me and accept me as a human being on the same plane as you- and not just as the object that is your daughter.
Yes, I came out of you- but I am no more or less of you than you of me and we both are sentient beings of this experiential co-creative universe.
I’m ready to be a parent, maybe not now- but very soon in terms of how time flies.
Because now I KNOW I am capable- no matter what you say or think about me. I can do this on my own. Just watch me. And maybe one day you can join me again, with better feeling and words. <3